On this day of rest before the Australian AO Wildcard Playoffs resume and the U.S. Australian Open Wildcard Playoffs commence, I thought it might be a good time to take a look back and see if we could learn from some of our past indiscretions.

I’m not sure if you noticed, but yesterday I made a number of BOLD, CAPS-LOCKED PREDICTIONS that went horribly, horribly wrong. In case your memory is being charitable or senile, let’s review the brutal blow-by-blow:

I wrote: “JAMES LEMKE WILL BEAT PETER LUCZAK TODAY. So get your cutting and pasting fingers ready to throw those words back at me if I’m wrong. But I won’t be.

Oh, but I was. Actual result: Luczak d Lemke 6-3 7-6(5). And how good (most of) you were to not cut-and-paste that in my face! Alas, my journalistic integrity (*snort*) demands that I do it to myself (also, I have nothing else to write about today. So that and my journalistic integrity).

I wrote: “SAMUEL GROTH WILL BEAT MATT EBDEN TODAY. END OF INTERVIEW.”

Actual result: Ebden d Groth 2-6 6-4 6-2. I’m sure glad I ended that interview when I did. Otherwise, I might’ve said something embarrassing!

I wrote: “BOLDED CAPS LOCK PREDICTION: DUCKWORTH WILL ADVANCE IN STRAIGHT SETS”

Actual result: Feeney d Duckworth 6-2 7-5. Hmmmm. I know there are certain Marinko Matosevic fans out there who are very happy I didn’t go BOLD AND CAPS-LOCKED in his favor yesterday, as that surely would’ve spelled his certain demise. Well, then. *prepares a stunning defense* (here, look at this photo while I prepare):

The legend Rob O”Gorman (and Adrian Franklin) in the AO Control Center, looking at the computer and discussing my terrible predictions.

There are obvious lessons to be learned here. First and foremost: I CAN CONTROL THE FUTURE! By the reverse-jinxing power I so certainly have (based on an unassailably ample sample size of three matches), I can now determine the course of every match played ’til the end of time. How useful! (And thank you to one of my cutting-and-pasting, word-throwing readers for taking pity on me and pointing out that power to me, as I never would’ve noticed this myself.)

Second and secondmost: there is money to be made here. Sadly, since I only write about Futures and Challengers, I can not bring my world-affecting talents to top-tier tennis. But I can bring them to South Beach, as there are Futures and Challengers tournaments near there – not to mention juniors; and I bet over-invested parents like the ones who came to blows in Melbourne would pay big $$$ to give their kids the vital edge that only I can provide!

Third and lastmost: I will be setting up a paypal account to enable bidding wars for all future matchups. Whichever player gets the most money donated toward his (or her) cause gets a BOLD AND CAPS-LOCKED PREDICTION in their opponent’s favor. Details pending. Offer legal in most states. Please be over 13 to donate. And please brawl responsibly.

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